Welcome to Hard Pass
(and a quick question for Erica)
I’m guessing you’ve reached the same breaking point I have? One too many “blessed” steering wheel photos and one too many 4:00 AM gym grunts have landed on your timeline, and you’re……. tired. We are all just tired of the internet.
I’m not here to be your “bestie.” I’m here to judge your performative happiness and ask the only question that matters in 2026: Why the f*ck did you post that?
Consider this your weekly reality check. Let’s get into our first order of business.
Dear Erica,
I saw your birthing video today. In fact, the whole world got to see it. I feel like I should send you a thank-you card, but I’m too busy trying to unsee your internal architecture while I butter my toast.
I’m happy for you, truly, but I didn’t realise my Saturday morning required a front-row seat to your cervix. Since when did a delivery room become a Netflix original series? You had a ring light, a tripod, and a slow-motion montage for a child who hasn’t even had his first burp yet.
There was a time when the only people who saw that much of you were a midwife and a husband who looked like he was about to slide down the wall. Some things are meant to stay behind a hospital curtain and a very thick layer of privacy.
Your baby is a miracle, Erica. But your “angles” are currently ruining my appetite. Put the phone in the drawer, focus on the human you just made, and give the rest of us a break. We just wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl, not see the plumbing that brought it here.
I’ll be here every week, likely with a cold cup of coffee and a list of things that make me question human intelligence.
If you’re looking for “positive vibes only,” you’ve definitely come to the wrong place. But if you’ve had a gutful of the nonsense, pull up a chair. My coffee is getting cold.